Blog 7- Cognitive Dissonance and Dating

Relationships are difficult no matter which way you look at them. They are usually complicated and messy, and require hard work and sacrifice. Because of these obstacles, I tend to be careful about dating. I am very analytical about my relationships, which I perceive to be fairly typical of females. We like to make lists of pros and cons, and spend time discussing what attributes would be ideal in a partner. I made just such a list in high school, and updated it on a few occasions with my friends. My list was somewhat general and included qualities most people would look for in a partner (genuine, caring, attractive etc.). Overall, my attitude was that a partner should be very put-together and should meet my previously outlined standards. I soon found out that my behavior would not always coincide with my attitude about the ideal partner. In an attempt to justify my behavior, I experienced an attitude change and decided that lists and standards were not important, and I could accept almost anyone if I tried. This experience in attitude change due to behavior is called cognitive dissonance (Festinger, 1957). More specifically, it is when one rationalizes their behavior because it is different from their original attitude, which results in an attitude change.

Recently, I experienced cognitive dissonance in my relationship approach. As I explained, I often looked for guys who met my listed criteria, and most of my boyfriends fit a certain image of clean, preppy, respectable guys. But the little rebel in me was apparently searching for something a little different, because I recently began dating a boy who was the exact opposite of everything on my list. From his tattooed arms and neck, to his eyebrow ring, I found myself dating a boy who could definitely not be brought home to mom. Most of my peers would never have given this guy a chance, and he was essentially the opposite of every boy in my little sheltered world. Because I was doing something so against my original dating attitude, I began to search for justification for dating this boy. I slowly found myself explaining to my friends that he was different and gave me a new perspective in life. My attitude about dating was changing, and I ended up believing that my partner should be the opposite of preppy and “fratty.” By experiencing cognitive dissonance, I was able to feel comfortable in dating my new boyfriend, and found a way to justify it in my own mind. Although that relationship eventually did not work out, I still struggle with my attitudes about dating criteria. Part of still feels that I should look for an educated, preppy boy, but after my cognitive dissonance experience, the “dangerous” looking boys with tattoos still seem to catch my eye.

Festinger, L. (1957). A theory of cognitive dissonance. Stanford, C.A: Stanford University Press.